


Five little words

by HeavenOnFire



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, DLC Spoilers, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-15
Updated: 2013-06-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 09:35:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/721565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavenOnFire/pseuds/HeavenOnFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Citadel DLC spoilers</p><p>Set between all the events of the Citadel DLC. Insight on the (Spoiler)'s thoughts and how he tried to destabilize the bond between Kaidan and Shepard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Illusion

**Five little words**

**Chapter One: Illusion**

Kaidan Alenko entered my new apartment one hour after I sent him the email. The Sentinel looked tired, though the smile on his face made up for the shadows under his eyes. With every step he took towards me, his smile grew wider.  

I watched him closely, looking for signs on his insight. It was of huge importance that I knew what he was thinking, what he was seeing. All of me that was presented to him was carefully planned. All that I would say had been studied for hours. I had thought through this evening. I even practiced my moves.

Tonight was important. For both of us. Tonight, everything would be perfect, every little detail. I could not afford to fail tonight, because in the coming hours, I would change everything forever.

"Hey, there," Alenko said, walking up to me at the end of the stairs slowly. I had a good view of him and let my eyes wander over his body. He looked good in that suit and I knew he knew it. His posture was teasing but his eyes spoke out an invitation I had been waiting for.

"You made me wait," I said, not really accusing. These words were carefully chosen, showing my impatience without aggravating him. "You look good, though." I added.

"I came here as quickly as I could." Alenko explained. He didn't hesitate as he embraced me in greeting, which was saying a lot about the nature of this relationship. He gave me a short kiss on my cheek and then went for my fridge.

As he bent over to open the door, I knew he was showing off with his body. Ever compliment about his backside I'd heart were justified. Though Alenko's body didn't distract me as nearly as much I had thought, I couldn't deny that it was a glorious view.

I walked up to him and closed my arms around him from behind. This move wasn't planned, but it was natural and necessary. I heard Alenko chuckle and credited myself for achieving it. The sound was smooth and it pleased me. I wondered if I could afford to get sidetracked just for a bit. If I could tease him a little more, if I could hear the rich variation in his voice.

"You smell good," I said, sniffing his nape. His hair was tickling, but soon, I got used to it. Again, Alenko chucked, this time a little deeper. Maybe my closeness had more effect on him than on me.

"You're very impatient, tonight." He responded, turning around in my arm.

I found myself pinned down by his glare, those sensual brown eyes fixed on me. I didn't want him to look at me that closely. Even if love might cloud his judgment, this man was still the second human Spectre. I feared the moment he discovered the doubts in my eyes, the uncertainty about the success of this evening. I could not let him go now. Not that I had him here.

"What's wrong?" He asked gently, one hand stroking my cheek.

"Nothing!" I replied immediately, angry because I couldn't hide anything from him. "I'm fine."

"I know this look," Alenko insisted. He laid his arms around my neck and leaned back against the counter. "You're worried. Is it about the thief?"

"I didn't ask you here to talk about work," I tried to change the subject. My mission tonight had too many unknown variables already; I didn't need Alenko to add more.  "It's supposed to be a night just for the two of us."

"I like that idea," Alenko smiled slightly. "But why do you really want me here? You said it was urgent."

"What if it's my need that is urgent? What if I just want you here, with me?"

"Oh, that simple?"

"You don't believe me?"

"Not yet."

I started to hate that man's wit. No doubt he had seen through my mask and discovered my tension. No doubt he knew that I was avoiding the subject.

"Well," I said and pressed him tighter against the counter. "Let me convince you."

Alenko didn't reject as I leaned in to kiss him. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it all the time. I knew that it was coming and added it to my plan. Actually, I was counting on it.

What I didn't consider was how good this felt. The warmth was unexpected, so was the gentleness of his arms. At the same time, it was fierce, claiming me as his. His hands were all over my body, exploring something that wasn't his. As Alenko's hands reached my backside, he squeezed, teasing me. The strength in those fingers surprised me. What surprised me more was how much I liked it.

As Alenko's tongue pressed on, making me open my mouth, I accepted the fact that the talk I had prepared would come later. Now, I would have to pay my undivided attention to Alenko, to make him understand and believe that I loved him.

"John...." He moaned as I traced my lips along his neck. "This feels good...."

His skin was hot, his face flushed. His lips were red from all my kissing and I saw passion in his eyes. I could sense his devotion, his love and wondered if he knew how I felt. Not able to look at him without devouring him on the spot, I closed my eyes and thought about my goal. I must not let anything get in the way, not while I was only one step away from true victory.

"God, John!" Alenko moaned. His voice sounded like velvet and his tone was urging. "Come on!"

I understood Alenko's need. In his voice and his moves, I read the undeniable truth that Alenko wanted me. Not as a Commander, not as a Spectre, but as a person. Alenko wanted me regardless of who I was. Alenko wanted me because of how I was.

"I swear, John," He breathed against my forehead. "If don't start soon...."

On his command, I lifted him a little off the floor and sat him on the counter. I quickly unzipped his suit, touching his chest gently with my fingers. He intrigued me. He mesmerized me. Hearing him moan and watching him gasp had an effect on me I didn't want to admit.

Reminding my mission, I ripped his cloth open. I pressed my lips on his skin and tasted what would soon by mine. His nipples hardened under my tongue, telling me that I was doing it right. His breaths quickened, inviting me to press forwards. I pulled his suit from his shoulders and traced those strong line with delight. I had never thought that taking him would grand me that much satisfaction.

Alenko's hands were unsteady as he opened my fatigues. Once my skin was bare, he pressed his lips against it, kissing me everywhere he could reach. It felt incredible. I had not felt this good for a long time. In my days of solitude and concentration, there was less time for intimacy. Alenko's touch thrilled through my body and set my insides on fire.

I decided that I didn't want to delay anymore. Time was short and I had to use every second of it. Who knew what would happen in the next minute? Who knew if Alenko was still there when I opened my eyes?

I took him on the counter hard and merciless. I thrust him against the cold wood regardless how loudly he screamed. I grabbed his hair, pulling him up to my mouth to kiss him until hwe choked. Eventually, I spread my seets deep inside him.

When I finished, Alenko was exhausted. He laid his forehead on the chilly surface and panted. His legs were shaky, his breaths hollow. He turned to watch me, a satisfied smile on his face.

"I had no idea you where that stressed out," he said, closing his eyes. "You're okay?"

I was not, but that was something I couldn't tell him.

"I'm okay," I said instead. "Don't worry about me."

Alenko sighed with a smile. He gathered himself and reached for a glass of water. As he drank it, I tried to remember why I asked him here. My goal seemed to blur, becoming unclear before my mind's eye. The meaning behind my mission started to fade, leaving me exposed.

I knew I was supposed to feel triumphant because I succeeded at fooling Alenko. I knew I was supposed to laugh because I took something that wasn't mine. I should celebrate for I took what belonged to Commander Shepard.

But I felt tired, empty. There was no meaning in what I did even if I damaged their bound. I wondered what had made Alenko love Shepard in the first place. I wondered what this relationship meant to those two. I wondered why I could not love someone as Alenko did.

"You're not okay," Alenko breathed, closing in on me again. "You're acting all kind of weird. Something is off, tell me."

"You wouldn't understand." I said as I felt it.

"Try me," he challenged. It didn't seem to bother him that we were both naked. Apparently, they had been together many times.

"What did you feel when I took you hard?" I shouldn't have asked that. As soon as I spoke out the words, images of our previous union flashed through my mind, making my insides turn and my cock jerk. "Did you like it?"

"I liked it." Alenko answered, smirking at me. "I thought how lucky I am to know this side of you."

"And?"

"And that I love you." He whispered.

"You don't know what you're saying." I sighed.

"What's the matter with you?" Alenko asked again. I could see suspicion rising in him. Maybe I pushed too far. He narrowed his eyes and shook his head slightly. "You're not okay, I can see that. Come here."

"I told you I'm fine."

"So I'm only your boot-call tonight?" Alenko teased again.

He opened his arms and I almost leapt into them. I had no idea I wanted him that badly, wanted him to touch me and to hold me. He pressed his temple against mine and breathed out. He rested his chin on my shoulder and stroked my back gently. Every single one of his touch drew me deeper into the whole I was falling in. Every one of his breaths made me want to abandon my quest.

I couldn't understand it. Couldn't comprehend what was happening to me. This wasn't me, wasn't what I was meant to be. I was a lone wolf; I didn't need Alenko to feel complete.

"Do you love me?" I whispered against my better judgment.

"I said that, didn't I?"

"I want to hear it again," I told him. "Tell me that you'll love me no matter who I am or what I am. Tell me that your heart belongs to me, that you belong to me. Promise me, you'll never leave me alone."

"I promise," Alenko said, gazing deeply into my eyes. "You'll never get rid of me, you hear me? I don't care who you are or what. You are mine. And to the end of time, I'm yours."

"Say it."

"I love you, John Shepard."

With that he ruined it all.

Those five little words shattered my dream, my illusion. I felt anger rising in me, consuming me. Those five little words were a slap in my face, reminding me that his love wasn't true. That he said it not because of me but of the man I hated so much. The man I was supposed to be but was not.

Shepard had taken everything that could be mine and corrupted it. He had abandoned his path and betrayed our species. He had failed, had let himself become distracted. He surrounded himself with dead weight, like Alenko here. He was compromised by his own emotions, his own selfish desires.

I was meant to be more.

And I would be by taking what was his and make them mine.

"Feel this?" I whispered into Alenko's ears while my hand guided him to my erection. "This could be yours, all yours. But you have to work for it."

"You're a shameless tease!"

"And you like it."

"How would you know?"

"Because once I've started, you'd be begging me for more."

"Bold claim, Commander."

"Having doubts in me?"

"Only in your endurance."

"You will pay for this."

"Come and get me, Cowboy."

"With pleasure, Spectre Alenko."

In that night I took him ferociously until he felt asleep.

When all lights went out, I returned to where I came from. In the shadows of my lair, I reviewed my assets. Alenko would break when the time was right. And with him would fall the legendary Commander Shepard.

As the dawn approached, I closed my eyes and saw nothing but Kaidan Alenko's face in my dreams.

 


	2. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which both commanders find out about a truth

**Five little words  
**

**Chapter Two: Faith**

Alenko's eyes widened in a pleasant way as he saw me. His gasp was audible and it granted me satisfaction. That was why I added my previous performance to our plan B. That was why I took the enormous risk and exposed myself to him before my grand premiere.

I could see the shock in Alenko's face as I approached, but the origin of his astonishment wasn't the one I was counting on. In his expressive eyes, I discovered no doubt, not even shame. I wondered what had made Alenko that ignorant and realized that he didn't recognize me. His oblivion angered me, brought my blood to boil. I was standing right in front of him, presenting myself to him and he didn't even pay any attention to me.

Suddenly, I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to see him suffer, more than I wanted to see Shepard suffer. I wanted Alenko to know who I was and what I did. For reasons I had no time to study, I wanted Alenko to look at me, cry for me and laugh for me. I wanted him to understand that I had power over him, even if only for one night.

As I directed my words to him, I chose them carefully. I had read his profile; I knew what would go under his skin. Mentioning Ashley Williams was a low blow and I intended it. As his eyes narrowed in anger after his harsh retort, I smiled. For the first time, Alenko looked at me, knowing what I was. As I watched the recognition dawn in him, I witnessed him break.

His eyes darted to Shepard and then back to me. For a moment, I could almost see the questions forming in his mind, asking himself if it really was his lover that had given him the greatest fuck in his life. His brown eyes darkened dangerously as they met mine. I winked at him, confirming his suspicion. His only reaction was a quick gasp and a snort. Within seconds, his handsome face was contorted by anger, his eyes started to glow blue.

His loyalty to his lover and Commander was the reason why I hated Shepard so much. That man didn't deserve what was handed to him. He was only one man, one fallible man. The legend that grew around him was unjustified, unreal. The faith Alenko put in Shepard was misplaced, deluded. I would love to open his blind eyes.

"Execute them," I ordered. "The Cult of Shepard ends today."

As I made my way to the vaults, my need for succeed drove me forwards. I felt the desire to have a life burning inside him, bringing me power. I had no illusion about the integrity of my plan. That was why I had to win.

What if I lose? I stopped the thought before it really formed in my head. I couldn't afford that thought. Failure was not an option. I was as good as Shepard was, even better. I didn't have people that were holding me back. I didn't have crewmates, I had an army. I didn't have friends, I had assets. I didn't have a lover, I had... Maya, I told myself quickly.

Maya was all I needed. She was the brain and heart of my operation. And more. Maya didn't care for me on a primitive level. With no love to blind her, no hormones flushing her system, she saw me clearly. She recognized my potential and appreciated my power. She understood me. She knew why I had to do this.

I could hear her voice over the comm. She was playing her part of a helpless analyst beyond expectation. Without her, my play would have failed the night before. As I was deep behind enemy lines, seducing Alenko, she kept Shepard occupied. Together, we would wipe the world clean of pretenders. Fake heroes that had abandoned their own species.

As Maya lured my enemies into their trap, I reached the peak of my anger. Watching them rushing into their doom again strengthened my believe that this man didn't deserve to be a legend. In his desperation, Shepard started calling his so called friends for help. But friends wouldn't save him today. His power failed, he had failed.

"Is anyone on his frequency?"

"The short answer is," I said, stepping out of the shadow. "They aren't."

As I had predicted, Shepard opened fire. His bullets didn't penetrate the shield and I laughed at his empty attempts. I enjoyed the way how anger painted deep lines into his face. I enjoyed it even more how Alenko wasn't man enough to look at me.

"Your friends are forgotten," I said again, stopping only a meter before the blue shield. "But can you be sure, that they are your friends?"

"You won't get away with this!" Shepard shouted with my voice. "Others know about you. The Alliance will stop you!"

"Faith!" I spat. "Analyst Brooks, do you think the Alliance knows about us?"

As Maya put her arm on my shoulder, I could feel the tremor in my enemies moral. Being betrayed never felt good. On the other side, it felt glorious if I was the one planning the deception.

I didn't remove my eyes from Alenko while his Commander and Maya exchanged words. The second human Spectre looked furious. Obviously, he had fully understood the amount of damage I caused. Collateral damage didn't concern me. But if I wanted to beat Shepard, I had to remove his shield first, thus Alenko must fall.

"Empty bravado, Commander." I said after Shepard finished his threats. "You are beaten, you just can't see it."

"Do you really think I won't get out of here?" Shepard pointed his finger at me. "You won't get away with this!"

"But I am." I said.

"No one will believe that you're me. Not even if you're flying my ship!" Shepard sounded pissed. Good.

"Really?" I asked, smirking. "What do you think, Spectre Alenko?"

As Alenko didn't answer, I added. "I was pretty convincing last night, wasn't I? Did you enjoy it?"

"How dare you!" Alenko shouted. He punched his blue glowing fist against the shield and biotic energy hissed through the room. Its power was contained by the vault, only harming those inside. As I looked at him, his eyes were on fire, desperation written all over his face. I understood that he didn't want me to reveal the secret, didn't want me to hurt his lover.

So protective, I thought. It was almost touching. But the thought that he wanted to keep his most trusted in the dark caused something in me I had to act on. I couldn't hold it back.

"What?" I challenged. "Afraid of what I might tell him?"

"Kaidan," Shepard pulled his companion away from the blue shield. "What the hell is he talking about?"

"I can explain," Alenko gasped. "John, you have to believe me."

"What should I believe?" Shepard snapped. "What's going on?"

"I wonder, Commander," I said and activated my omni-tool.  "If you would enjoy the show as much as I did."

I activated the screen on my console and played my carefully edited assets. This was the true goal of my meeting with Alenko. I had recorded every move we made, every word we said. Every kiss that had happened the night before was documented. Every scene had been added together with purpose.

Shepard watched with horror how Alenko kissed me in the kitchen. His brows curled in pain as he heard the caring words Alenko said. His nostrils flared as he watched how I took Alenko on the counter. And finally, as Alenko told me he loved me, Shepard closed his eyes and turned his face away.

Unexpectedly, the scene didn't leave me cold. I remembered the feeling I had as Alenko held me in his arms. I remembered my solitude and how it vaporized as Alenko pressed his lips to mine. When he had looked me in the eyes and vowed his devotion, I had been in love.

Suddenly, I realized that I hated Shepard not only because he abandoned his quest. I realized that I was jealous of him, of the diversity of his life. I envied him because he had something called love, something pure. He had a man that would die for him, that cared about him, that once he was gone, would cry for him.

I shook my head, banishing those thoughts. I was more. I would not be affected by stupid emotions. I would not become a slave of sympathy, a victim of sentimentality.

"I will kill you!" Alenko shouted.

"You didn't sound like that last night," I smirked, hiding my inner turmoil. "As I recall, you begged me for more."

"Shut up!" Alenko screamed. "John, don't listen to him! Please, I can explain!"

"How?" Shepard slammed Alenko's hand away. "How could you?"

"I didn't know!" Alenko begged, tears gathering behind his helmet. "I thought he was you!"

"You didn't notice the difference?" Shepard's outrage was my pleasure. "Kaidan, how could you not know the difference?"

"Please, John. Don't push me away!"

"No, Kaidan, don't touch me!" Shepard's voice sounded brittle. The secret I revealed finally achieved its purpose.

"You bastard!" Alenko directed his wrath at me instead. But trapped inside the vault, there was nothing he could do.

"It was my pleasure, Spectre Alenko." I winked and threw him a kiss.

"Stop that!" Shepard interrupted. "I swear, I will get out of here and I will tear you apart!"

"Maybe you want to discuss this with Alenko first?" I suggested, pushing them towards their mental edge. "I believe he might be mad if you kill off the greatest fuck in his life."

"I don't believe you!" Shepard spat.

"Should I show you the proof? I have a lot more."

"I will destroy you with pleasure!" Shepard threatened.

"I'm looking forward to it." I nodded. "In the mean time, The Normandy needs its captain. So... I should go."

As I walked away from my trapped enemies, I listened to the argument between Shepard and Alenko. Their voices were charged, full of anger. But there was also an intimacy between them I had never heard from somewhere else.

"Don't touch me, Kaidan!" Shepard snapped. "You didn't even notice? Not a little?"

"I'm sorry, John!" Alenko defended himself. "I didn't know! How am I supposed to? I couldn't know that there was a clone of you running around!"

"But he is not like me, not at all!"

"Commander," Shepard's sex-bot stepped in. "May I suggest we direct our attention to escaping this vault. Our air-supply is not unlimited."

"Not now, EDI!"

"John, I am really sorry! Of course I noticed that something was off! I thought you were just under a lot of stress. Please, believe me. You asked me never to doubt you again, and I did. I trusted you, well, I mean, your clone. But only because I thought he was you. That's so insane I can't even...."

Alenko's voice was cut off as the door closed behind me. Though I knew that I had won, I felt as if I had lost something. On my way back to the shuttle, I couldn't stop thinking about Alenko. I wondered if he would die in despair, knowing that the man he loved didn't trust him anymore. I wondered how much he hated me and that thought turned my guts.

"You did the right thing," Maya said next to me.

"Our target was Shepard." I snorted.

"And you got him." Maya said. She always had a way to make me feel good. "It was good that we disposed of Alenko, too. He had always been drawn to aliens."

"Maybe, you're right." I nodded.

"Of course, I am. Alenko is under too much of Shepard's influence. Besides, he is a dangerous enemy. His word is valued; with him alive, our plan wouldn't work."

"He's not dead yet."

"He will be soon." Maya reminded me. "They all will be."

"How are we going to explain this? A Spectre's death would require some serious clarifications."

"You know what is between Alenko and Shepard," Maya began. "You could say that he was killed in action in order to protect you. His body was never recovered, but who would doubt the word of Commander Shepard? As for the other, no one would miss a few aliens."

"Yeah, maybe."

Maya stopped and turned towards me. She placed her small hand on my shoulder and looked me deep into my eyes.

"We don't have time for doubts, Commander." Her voice was even and she sounded so confident. But compared to the way Alenko talked to Shepard, her voice lacked faith. "You've won. This is what you're made for. Now, your path is free. You can direct all your efforts to saving humanity. John, listen to me." She paused and gave me a smile. "You did the right thing."

Again, it was five little words that brought me to my old self. Those five words made me believe in my mission, in myself. She was right; I must not waste time on a soon dead Spectre. I had to save humanity.

But as I saw the Normandy before me, I didn't feel like a winner. I felt like a thief, stealing somebody's life. I worried about the outcome of my action and calculated the chances of my enemies' survival.

As I set food in my new home, I realized that the soon dead Spectre I worried about was not Shepard. I wondered if I would ever see Alenko again.


	3. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the clone discovered something new

**Five little words**

**Chapter Three: Confusion**

I saw Alenko again.

Not in flesh and blood. Not with his eyes fixed on me. I didn't see him from afar, didn't see him in my dreams. He was only a picture on Shepard's desk, my desk now.

His face appeared as I sat down in the Commander's chair. I flinched and gasped. As my brows trembled with a feeling I didn't know, a smile sneaked up upon my face. For minutes, time didn't matter to me as I lost myself in Alenko's image.

In that frame, he looked gentle, young. His face showed understanding, but also purpose. His lips were curled into a tiny smile, giving me a place to dwell in. The light on his face was dim, the reflection underlining his beautiful jaw. I remembered how I traced those lines, licked over it and enjoyed it. I remembered how he kissed me, looked at me, touched me.

I remembered what he told me. What he made me believe.

If my intels were right, this image was taken three years ago. A time I only knew from tales. A time that had past long before my creation. It was in another life, a life I could never have. Three years, a span of time I could not imagine. Three years that was wasted before I learned to live. Three years, that could have been mine.

Knowing that the past was not mine to change only drove me more towards the future. I didn't want to think about Alenko anymore, didn't want to give him a chance to unbalance me. Everything seemed so simple before I met the second human Spectre. Everything was clear just a few days ago.

But now, I was confused. For the first time, I had to rethink my actions, and listen to my heart.

For a minute, I regretted my decision of leaving Shepard and Alenko trapped inside the forgotten vault. How much I wanted to challenge Shepard, from man to man, for nothing but a man. I wanted to prove to Alenko that I was the superior one, that I was everything Shepard could be and more.

I was the perfect man. Strong, confident and loyal. I had everything he wanted, even the look. I didn't have to rely on cybernetics to stay alive. I didn't need the help of petty aliens to protect him. I didn't keep disgusting trophies like this damned husk head on my desk. I didn't waste funds to collect model ships like a school boy. And I wasn't a child that kept pets in his room, on a war ship.

The thought of Shepard flaws and what he still received for that made me furious. I slammed my hand across the metal surface, knocking his precious medals and trophies to the ground. My fingers clenched into fists and blistered with blue fire. Rage emerged from the depth of my soul and I directed towards Sovereign.

"How treacherous!" I spat and watched the cracks I left in the glass.

In time, I would destroy everything that mattered to that man. Starting with his room. It was my room now. Nothing should every show that another man lived here. Nothing would remind the world that the man I hated ever existed.

"Redecorating the room, I see?" Maya's voice sounded from the door. "Nice uniform. Suits you well, John."

"It's _Commander_!" I snapped, temper short from my own thoughts. "What is it?"

"Just telling you that the engines are running hot." Maya reported. "I know what you are, _Commander_. Don't forget who got you there."

"What do you want?" I was at her throat within a pace. As my hand closed around her tiny neck, I thought about how easily I could snap it. How fragile she was. One move and she would be gone forever. "Maya...."

She gazed up at me, her big brown eyes challenging me. It reminded me of the nights she spent with me, satisfying my need and using me for hers. Her lips swelled as my hand didn't loosen. She didn't beg or choke, only pinned me down with her glare and I thought about the taste of her lips.

I grabbed her waist with a swift move, pulling her closer to me. I kissed her harshly and bluntly, taking what I wanted. Maya's legs left the floor and clenched around my back. At the same time, she grabbed my neck, pulling me away from her.

But her mind was the strong part of her being. Her slender arms were nothing against my strength. I pushed her against the bathroom door, making her head hit the metal. I deepened my fingers into her hair while my tongue pushed in her throat. My cock awoke to life and I pressed it against her crotch. She squeezed me with her tights, closing whatever gap was left between us.

As she swayed in my lap, her teeth were seeking my lips. Her fingers grasped the back of my head, forcing me to do as she demanded it. With her other hand, she pushed away from the wall, making me tumble backwards. My legs touched the desk and I swung her around, almost slamming her into the hard surface.

Her moan made me opened my eyes. I wanted to see her pain. Her cheeks were flushed slightly from the shortage of air. On her throat I saw my handprint. That she was so easily broken let me feel a wave of power. I understood what I could do to this woman, what I could make her do. She was mine command, mine to torment.

But at the same time, she was Maya. The only person I knew. The only person that understood me, that cared about me. The only woman I had touched in my life. And if she wanted so, I would ever touch. 

Realizing it, I started to see her in another light. I saw her in a different way. Not as an asset, a powerful ally but a woman. Nothing but a woman. She could give me what I sought. She could give me life, a future, meaning that went beyond purpose. She could be my home to return to, my harbor when I was tired.  She could share my lonely nights with me, kiss me and let me believe that I was not alone.

Having those thoughts about Maya let me speechless. Her pain transformed into my pain. Her body seemed a thousand times more tempting, promising me more than just simple sex. And as my eyes stopped at her lips, I wanted to see them form the words 'I love you.'

Breathing out, I closed my eyes and approached her. I want to show her what I was feeling right now. Not through words, but a simple, pure kiss.

"Not now!" Maya placed her armored foot on my chest and I ripped my eyes open. She slowly pushed me back and power beamed from her eyes. "You don't want to miss our first take off, do you, Commander?"

"The Normand won't be ready for another twenty minutes." I snorted. "Maya, I need you right now."

"Your cock can wait," She said and her foot stayed where it was. "We have more pressing matters."

"The only _pressing_ matter is in my pants." I took her small foot and kissed her ankle. I stroke her leg with my face and felt her armor on my skin. The thought that I could rip them from her body again sent flames to my loin. That would be the first time I would make love to her.

"You didn't think that I would reward you this soon, did you?" She smirked. She was enjoying this way too much.

"Maya," I breathed. "Let's not play games. I just want to be with you right now. Come here."

A smile appeared on her face. She descended from the table gracefully and stopped when she was right in front of me. Again, my urge to kiss her overpowered my need to fuck her. Her smile widened and I grinned, happy that she was.

"But I like games," Maya breathed against my chin. "And you know that now is not the time. You are unfocused. Pull yourself together and do what you are supposed to, _Commander Shepard_. Our enemies are almost beaten, but if you slacken now, we will lose everything."

"Just ten minutes." I said, reduced to beg for tenderness. "That's all I need."

"What you need is to remember our goal," she sounded harsh, icy. As she moved out of place, her body exposed the picture that still stood on my desk. The gentle face took my breath away, reminding me of what I could have but did not.

"You are not having doubts, are you?" Maya said behind me, her hand teasing me. "Remember why I woke you. What you are made for."

"What?" I snapped and turned to face her. "I was made for spare parts! I was never supposed to live! To have anything of my own! What's the purpose of my existence? What am I if not a live assurance that _his_ lover would never die!"

I didn't realize that I had Kaidan's picture in my hand. I clenched it as biotics crashed the frame. With a flicker, Kaidan's image extinguished, leaving nothing but blackness. There, where his face once was, looking down gently, was now nothing but broken glass.

The shards cut into my flesh but the pain was meaningless. What was this little blood against the emptiness that I carried within my chest? What was I supposed to do? Why wasn't I satisfied with victory? What else do I want?

"That's not true," Maya's voice turned soft. She placed her hand on mine and removed the broke frame from my clenched fingers. "You are more than that. You grew beyond your short-sighted purpose that was chosen by an organization that is indoctrinated. You are humanity's last hope. You are supposed to be our hero."

"Why is this so hard to believe?" I sighed.

"You are just a little bit confused," Maya explained with patience like in the days she first woke me up. "Shepard was twisting with your mind. But you are stronger than that. You've beaten him. Look around, you are in his cabin. And you can do with it whatever you want. It's all yours now. And it is your destiny to save humanity. Imagine how grateful people would be. You can have anyone, anything!"

"Really?"

"Yes, you'd be loved." She promised. "All you need to do it to focus and win this war."

"You're right," I nodded and took a deep breath. "Let's get my ship out of port."

"That's the Commander I would follow." Maya smiled at me.

"Get rid of his pets and meet me downstairs." I ordered and felt that I was back in place.

Banishing the thoughts that would distract me from my chosen path, I headed towards the CIC. When I saw myself in the polished metal in the elevator, I started to believe what Maya said. In this uniform, like a shinning knight, I would fight for humanity and only for humanity.

When my troops reported the less surprising security breach, Maya's words faded in my head. Her voice only sounded from afar and its meaning was lost to me. In my own world, I didn't need her to achieve my goal. I thanked fate for this opportunity to slain my enemy. I thanked fate for I would have the chance to kill Shepard and claim my rewards.

I would be the only one. And when Kaidan dwindled in his grief I would rescuer him from the darkness that would be the state of his mind. Like a promise of dreams, I would lead him to a real that only contained us both.

There I would keep him, bind him to me and make him the only reason of my life. Everything else I believed in suddenly paled against the memory of Kaidan's kiss. Everything I fought for would become colorless if I didn't have him to share it with.

In the world I would create for us, his breath would be my air. His voice would be my music and his face the only beauty I would see.

In the world I would create for us, I would love him until my last breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love writing this clone. His personalty gives me a whole new area to explore. :-) 
> 
> I'd appreciate some reviews. Thanks for reading. Well, it's not finished, but still thanks. :-)


	4. Depth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how a legend comes to an end

**Five little words**

**Chapter Four: Depth**

I felt alive.

I had never felt more alive than the moment the first bullet graced my face. Seeing the fire flying towards me, I was centered. When the fighting started, I had clear purpose. Everything else didn't matter to me, because all would be lost if I did not succeed.

For me, battle was my life and the world my arena. I loved it, cherished it. It was simply the only thing I had known. And the only thing I was really good at. Sometimes, Maya tried to teach me how to be human, but even her words couldn't show me the diversity of this world.

No one could. No one else had ever tried.

When John Shepard stepped in front of me, I wondered about the feelings in his heart. How did he see me? What was he thinking? What was it like to have someone superior to yourself but so similar at the same time?

Looking at him was like staring into the mirror when you had forgotten your own image. A man blinked back at me with my face but not my soul. It was as if your reflection started to be real, stealing your dreams and occupying your rightful place.

All that was his should have been mine. All that I was would become a lie when he lived.

That is why I have to kill him, because the world didn't have enough place to host us both.

Finishing this line of thoughts, I conjured the rage I used to hide in my chest. Using its power I charged at him, leaving a line of biotic power behind me. The impact of my body knocked Shepard to the ground. He winced and I heard him gasp as air was pushed out of his lunge.

The moment I towered over him, power was what I felt. Seeing the horror in his eyes, I could finally taste the triumph I had been waiting for. I gathered the power of my biotics in my hand, raising it high to end Shepard's life. It felt so good to finally face my own demon, to cleanse the world of his existence.

But fate interfered with my plan. A hard body crushed into mmine, knocking me off the prone Commander. My world turned into a realm of blur as pain reached my body, forcing me to scream. I have never felt such pain. I couldn't move, couldn't adjust.

Helpless in my confusion, I experience panic. Breathing had become very hard as my limps didn't obey my orders. With effort I was able to focus my view towards the man seeking my death.

Alenko looked furious. His eyes burned blue like the sky. His skin shimmered with a layer of energy, making his feature full of deadly intensions. As seconds went by where he drained me of my life, control returned to me, allowing me to roll out of the way as his omni-tool hit the crate.

"Kaidan, stop!" I yelled. His astonishment that I would talk to him gave me the splinter second I needed to inject the omni-gel. "I don't want to kill you!"

"Too bad, that I want you dead!" Kaidan spat. He didn't hesitate and didn't falter. In that moment, I have no doubt that he would see me dead.

His aim was deadly, but I was better. For minutes, he chased me through the crates of the Normandy Shuttle bay and all I could do was to dodge. Hurting Kaidan, seeing him in pain was something I would have done yesterday without another thought. But remembering the world I want to create for us, I couldn't risk losing him.

As Kaidan went into melee with me, I had no choice but to counter. My fist met his jaw and my heart clenched as his spat blood. But his grunt, the one he made when something hurt reminded me of the night I spent with him. Kaidan was close to me, only inches separating us. I wanted to kiss him, to pin him down right here and show him what I felt for him. But a blow to my head ripped me out of my imaginations.

Kaidan was still here. He forced me down on my knees and overloaded my shield. The electric explosion sent sparks down my body and again, I felt pain. Kaidan was stronger than I expected and Reave was indeed powerful.

"Kaidan, please!" I begged, fighting myself not to react instinctively and blow his head off. "I really don't want to hurt you! But if you continue, you give me no choice!"

"How dare you!" He bent my arm to my back and pushed me face first into one of the crates. At the same time, the Normandy shook again and I used it to gain my freedom.

Immediately, I drew my pistol and aimed it at Kaidan. "Believe me! I only want Shepard!"

"Then you have to step over my dead body!" Kaidan fired and I dodged his bullet. It came too close and again, I felt alive.

"I won't do that! But I will knock you prone when I have to."

"C'mon, then! What are you waiting for, let's finish this!" Kaidan bellowed and aimed for my head. "I have...."

For a second I didn't even realize what had happened. When I blinked, all I saw was red. The floor, the crates, my armor, Kaidan's armor. Red from Kaidan's blood.

"Finish him, Commander!" Maya yelled at me. As I didn't react, she fired a second shot into Kaidan's body and pulled over the cover.

But at that moment, all I could think of was Kaidan bleeding on the floor with a shotgun wound as big as my head. He winced and shivered. He coughed and blood escaped his beautiful lips. The Major gasped for air and reached for the open wound at his side. He tried to get up but failed.

"Kaidan," I called. Maya's hand was at my arm when I tried to jump over the cover to help Kaidan.

"Stay here and fight! You are losing focus again."

"Maya, he's hurt!"

"Yes, and he will die soon!" She spat at me. "Finish him!"

"I'm not letting him die!"  
"I didn't get this far so you can compromise the mission! My plan was perfect, don't ruin it!" She slapped me in the face and at that moment, I wanted to strangle her. "It's him or humanity!"

But she was right. My quest was to save humanity from a false idol. I was supposed the lead the army against invaders and alien conquerors. On the other side, time was running out for Kaidan. As I watched him slowly bleed out on the floor, shivering and bickering, I remembered how he did the same under me but because of a whole different reason.

I couldn't forget my purpose, but I couldn't forget Kaidan, either. For a single second, I allowed myself to picture my future in victory. I would be celebrated, elevated to a real legend. I would have millions bow before me and tremble at my command. But what would happen when I return to a place I might call home? What would be there?

I saw Shepard's apartment in my mind, every detail as clearly as if I was there. I remembered the silence in that place, the crackle of fire and the rush of the fountain. I remembered my reflection on the polished metal and pounding against my chest. Above all, I remembered what I felt.

Solitude had become a friend. A familiar feeling. Before yesterday, I didn't even know how it felt like not to be alone. But now, I could not forget it. I could not breathe when I relieved the depth in my mind. My world was like the perfect apartment on the Citadel. My life was a symbol to many other. But to me, it was empty before Kaidan brought life into it.

"No!" I gasped. "Screw humanity!"

Maya's scream sounded from very far away as Kaidan got closer and closer. When I bent over him, I could see that he was closer to death than to life.

"John," he gasped. "John, I'm sorry!" he coughed blood as his trembling hand reached for my face. "John, I don't wanna die...."

"You'll not," I said and examined his wound. It looked bad. Maya fired her gun from close distance and the bullet drilled deep into his armor and flesh. Without medi-gel, Alenko would perish in seconds. "I'm here, look at me, Kaidan. You'll be fine, I promise."

"I'm so sorry..." A drop of tear came from Kaidan's eyes. I knew that he thought I was his lover, but I didn't care. Now, I believed that he loved me. "John, please... I'm so sorry! I... I really didn't mean... to... to hurt you!"

"It's okay, Kaidan," I said. "I forgive you." I knew that I didn't have the right to say it and I wanted to anyway just to him smile again. And there, he smiled at me, as weak as a dying deer. His lips trembled and he gasped as my medi-gel touched his skin. "Kaidan...."

Again, I was interfered. Something closed around my throat and pulled me away from Kaidan. My first thought was that Maya wanted to see the Spectre die. But then, I realized that his arm belonged to a male.

Facing a dying Kaidan, I forgot that the one I should focus on was still there. Shepard's grasp was firm and his arm blistered with blue fire. He yelled something too close to my ears and punched me in the side. Knowing that this was the man I hated, I didn't hold back. After a struggle I enjoyed too much, I was able to escape his clinch.

"How dare you touch him!" John Shepard bellowed at me.

"I love him!" I shot back, charging at him with the purpose to murder. "Does is mean nothing to you?"

"You know even know what that means!" Shepard charged back.

We met mid air, causing an explosion that went through the whole shuttle-bay. Our weapons flew out of our hands as we both landed on the floor. Our shield was destroyed and my body screamed for medi-gel. But I used my last one on Kaidan.

That I might lose was a new concept to me. I had that thought before, but I had never been that close to it. Facing Shepard, with all his experience and his faith, I wondered if I would be crushed under it.

His fists punched into my face and my knee met his belly. His elbow met my jaw as my hand reached for his throat. I crushed my skull against his and felt his hand on my wrist. He screamed and broke my wrist. I screamed and cut his side with my omni-blade. It was a fight I could not win or lose. It was a fight against myself, because I realized that he was as good as I was.

The Normandy shook again and we both lost ground. We tumbled to the floor, entangled in each other, seeking each other's death. As we rolled out of the barrier of the Normandy, wind blew past us, letting us know that death awaited us below.

For the first time, I saw the Citadel. As clearly as it was. For me, it had been an instrument of power, a centre of scheme. But now, I saw it as a world full of homes. People I vowed to protect lived here, worked here. Ordinary people that would kiss their wives goodbye and embraced their children when they came home. People that would love as Kaidan and I did.

Another tremble went through the Normandy. This time, without the safety of the shuttle bay, Shepard and I both drifted towards the deadly border. Panic let me react. I couldn't think about anything else now, all I knew was that I had to find something to hold on; otherwise I would fall until I was no more.

As the legendary Commander and I both dangled at the edge of this War Ship, I was close to tears. I didn't want to die. It wasn't fair. I was human, just like him. I could feel and I could fight. I could smile and cry. I was a man. And I didn't deserve this.

"Why you, why not me?" I asked, suppressing my tears. "What makes you so damn special?"

My answer rushed toward us. Kaidan, he was alive. The wound in his side must be burning, but the fire I saw was his love to the man next to me. The Major threw himself at his Commander without hesitation. The Turian called Garrus Vakarian was right behind him. They reached Shepard and as their hands touched, I wanted to scream.

Driven by my instinct of self preservation, I searched for Maya. No matter how much I might have disappointed her, she still was my ally. She needed me, she cared for me, she maybe even loved me.

And there she was, standing behind the railing, looking down at me.

"Maya!" I called but she didn't answer.

She just looked at me, shaking her head slightly as if telling me that I was not worth the risk. Her big brown eyes were cold and she frowned at me. She slowly stepped back and I saw her abandoning me.  
That was the moment all became clear in my head. I had never been her lover. I had never meant anything to her. I was an asset as I had seen her. She woke me for her dreams, not for mine. She manipulated me and I had let it happen.

My self-esteem vaporized. I wasn't the chosen hero, only a clone. I was a clone of Commander Shepard, fabricated to produce spare parts. All those big words Maya used were as empty as my life. All those resources I had, the army I owned would turn on me the moment they saw me fall.

And here I was now, watching Kaidan Alenko and John Shepard fall into each other's arms and exchanging a brief but strong kiss. They pressed their forehead together and whispered words only meant to each other.

"I love you." I could read from Kaidan's lips. I could even hear his voice in my head and I wished so much that it was for me.

But his heart belonged to the real Shepard. The one that towered over me, shadowing my being. The one that was the real shining knight of humanity. The true hero that would save the world.

I admired him and envied him.

I envied him for his ship, for his crew, for his Turian friend and for Kaidan. They risked their lives for him not because he was the one, but because they cared for him. Even the Turian. They didn't see him as a human male, a great soldier, but as one of them, as family.

I wondered if they would notice me if I let go now. If I would ever be mentioned again, other than in their reports. I wondered if Kaidan would ever think of me again. Of what we had done and how it felt. If he would remember my face, my kiss, my touch. Or if he would ever speak my name.

Then I remembered, I didn't have one.

"What of this one?" The Turian asked.

For a moment, I wanted to live. I wanted to climb back and take what should be mine. But then, how would the other two feel if I killed their brother and lover. How much would they cry? How much pain did I want to add to this sinister world?

I wished Maya had never waked me.

"Take my hand!" Shepard's voice reached my ear.

For a moment, I didn't believe it, but hope still filled my heart.

"But what then?" I gasped. Would I ever find an own name and place? Would I ever be free after what I have done? Would I ever feel love again?

"Then you live!" Shepard said, his voice so full of warmth and compassion. In his eyes, I really saw that he wanted me to live.

"But for what?" I gasped for the last time and released the tension in my arms. I had nothing to lose. I have nothing to live for. Nothing that would keep me breathing and my heart beating. Nothing, that can grand me salvation.

"No!" Kaidan must have seen through me. His hands clenched around my arms and his eyes pierced through me. "Don't! I beg you! Don't die."

"Why?" I cried. "Why should I live if you can't love me?"

"I have use for you!" Kaidan whispered. "I want you to live! Please."

And there, five little words and my life suddenly held meaning.

Five little words, and my nightmare was over.

I, John Shepard, would live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really really emotional about the Clone. I really wanted him to live or to save him. But of course, BioWare's gonna kill off my favorite characters. :( 
> 
> NOW I NEED YOUR HELP:   
> I am not entirely sure that this is the end of the story. I have some ideas what might come next involving the clone of course.   
> Or should I concentrate on my new project, which is Mshenko of course and fluffy and funny?   
> So help me out? What should I do? 
> 
> And thanks for reading. I'm always happy about comments^^


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